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la petite fleur

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[25 Jul 2010|09:58pm]
[ mood | drained ]

growing up, a person on the outside looking at my life could notice a consistent pattern of behavior with respect to certain things.
1. I was always a happy bubbly child
2. I was always dancing about indoors or out
3. how easily i would become bored with things and needed to take up something new.

after many years of reflection number three on the list phrased another, more realistic way is: i used to quit doing things and started other things.
i always would read books either half or three quarters through and then put them down.
I quit playing piano because i couldnt take the verbal  abuse from my dad about it, i quit dance, cause my mom really couldnt afford it as a single mom, and the studio in ventura was not the same as the one I had been going to since I was four in Malibu. but i never really insisted or tried to make it work.
i quit swimming in high school
i quit trying in school half way through each semester/quarter since I can remember.
i think was the most commitment phobic child out of my friends and family, although I may be exaggerating a bit here, its pretty true. And the irony of it all is I always encourage my younger sister, close cousins, and friends to not be quitters, to not give up.
i start things and I dont finish them.
Law school brought out this ubber competitive edge in me, I wanted to flush the old-Me down the drain and become what I always wanted to be, the version of myself where I was a finisher and not a quitter. I no longer wanted to hide behind the stigma of my daddy issues to excuse this behavior. "Oh shes a commitment phobe because her dad walked out on her, so thats why she cant ever fully commit to anything, be it what she is working on, or her realtionships." Since childhood, I have very few friends that I still talk to, cant seem to keep them around either.
    I wanted to change all that, so I went to the opposite extreme. I dont know if it is because I am a fire sign or what but everything is either hot and cold. So now I have opposite problem, I never seem to finish things not because I quite them early, but because I delay reaching the end conclusion. Its like I am afraid of what will be left there at the end. Its like part of me is doomed to thinking I am incapable of finishing, even the most mundane tasks. But it has turned into more than that, it is a need to keep up the appearance of everything being under control and looking like I can finally compete with the big dogs (not only in school but in life) and its eating up part of my soul I fear.
 What I mean is, when things maybe no longer are working in certain aspects, I do not want to quit or stop beucase I spent so much of my life quitting, that I think I am being predicable. I have no concept of balance, when do I say stop, ive had enough, and when do I know I am throwing in the towel too early and not giving myself the real chance.
      One of the things I was old in therapy is that I am responsible for my own drowning. The amount of pressure I am putting on myself not only has made the physical panic attacks worse since childhood, but Ive lost sight of who I am. I have become fixated with not quitting, with trying to be so damn perfect all the time, with doing the right things because I felt like I have fucked up so much of my life that its bloody overwhelming now. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel lost and torn between trying to prove that I can do something, or be someone, and believing in myself that I really can. I thought mid life crisis was supposed to happen mid-life, not at 26.
   The worst part is, I feel so alone. I feel like I cant share this with the people I care about because they will just think Im bitching or sobbing, or worse "its normal to be nutz in law school and loose perspective." try loosing your soul, hows that for some perspective. Its funny I never understood why people said lawyers are jerks, assholes who dont care, etc. insert your favorite strerotype here, but I realized that we all start out normal, trying to do good in the world, wanting to help the people who are voiceless and cant represent themselves out in the world. How we come out in the end, not so pretty. They mold you into becoming a numb soulless being. Now I understand this may offend some of my fellow law friends on here, but it is my blog and these are merely my feelings, so please bare with me and spare me the lecture thanks. But its how I feel, ok that description was a bit harsh but I feel that they remove our dreams, emotions, hopes and aspirations from us because lawyers have power and people with power are not supposed to feel or something messed up like that. And its not just school, thats only a piece of the complicated drowning puzzle, although it represents a fairly large piece. I dont know, all I know is I dont know who I am anymore. And I dont know how to stop and say Ive had enough.

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tag, your it! [07 Nov 2009|05:27pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

FIRST: If you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question.
SECOND: Tag eight sexy people. Don't refuse to do that like a pansy. Don't tag who tagged you. In short: Guys, I did it! Man up and follow me off the cliff of meme!

Who sleeps in bed next to you?

What did you last eat?
some rice (polo) and celery stew (khoresht karafs) i made last night, then coffee

What kind of books do you read?
you mean what kind of books did i use to read before law school. as an english lit major, i NEVER imagined i would ever
have this much distaste towards reading...

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
Paris, its winter time and reminds me of my last months there a few years ago. If not, somewhere warm with a beach
where Erez and I could actually have time to sit and watch the stars and all that sappy stuff, Martinique maybe.. Sadly, this is only a dream.

What's really creepy?
2nd year of law school + mondo amounts of debt = wrinkles at 25!!!!!!  ::you can gasp::

Name one odd item within five feet of you.
fish tank!!!

What's your current fandom / obsession / addiction?
Obsession: winter clothes; fandom: Rachel Zoe; addiction: coffee

What did you really want to do today that you didn't?
take my dog for a walk...

What are you most excited for?
5 minutes to relax after christmas

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
NY times, Google, hotmail

What was the last thing you bought?
groceries from persian market

If you could have any pet, what would it be?
ive got fishes, although most of them died (bad accident) and above all i have a really smart
and loving dog named Rostam. Im so greatful we rescued him and gave him a home, he gave me
an amazing amount of love in return!

What is your zodiac sign?
Leo, RAWR hehe

What do you want right this minute, off the top of your head?
bon bons!!!! oooohhhhh

Where is the place you like to return to in order to calm down / relax / etc.?
it will always be the sound of the ocean and the smell of the salt, reminds me of my childhood and
all my memories growing up by the beach. Something about the waves uncontrollably crashing calms
me down... wierd i know.

Do you have any siblings?
yup yup, little sis, Nassim

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I'd like to tell my Civ Pro Professor that he is amazing but sometimes does not realize he spends a few classes
repeating cases we already went over! Dude move on!

Are there any bits of childhood that you miss?

Say something to the person who tagged you.
I will call you asap, I promise!

2 comments|post comment

[26 Dec 2008|08:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Lauren you inspired me, so with your permission here we go...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Started law school, moved in with my significant other, saw Metallica in concert, started driving.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, didn't have one

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes my cousin! A long awaited bundle of joy, we are all blessed to have little Areo in our lives!!!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Fortunately no. Unfortunately, there are a few people who are very close to me who will likely not be here in 2009, which I am not happy about.

5. What countries did you visit? None but I did visit the East Coast, which contains way different people than LA, so that kind of counts haha.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? More discipline and better control of my emotions.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 15th my one year, and October 7, my moms car accident.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through law school and finals and living with boyfriend, and having to slowly help rehabilitate my mom physically and emotionally, my sister getting really sick, and myself getting really sick all in one semester. As I told the Dean at school, considering everything... I am doing pretty well.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being serious enough when I had to be.... i should have not been so lazy about myself and my priorities... and I dont mean academically.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? one major one plus two sinus infections.... great timing was the worst part !!!

11. What was the best thing you bought? Metallica tickets... and I would pay a bundle all over again... technically, I should probably say my law school education, but for now its "borrowed" money.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? many.... I am proud of many people this year

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? those selfish enough to create strife for others, like the guy who hit my mom on the freeway, and left her there....

14. Where did most of your money go? all over the place, mainly school related and living expenses  and gas before prices came down.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Metallica again sorry just went to the show a few days ago, still obsessing!!! and decorating with my boyfriend, cheesy I know. Oh, and my crim law professor, he is a riot!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?  Rihanna "umbrella," Maroon 5 "makes me wonder," all the songs Justin Timberlake came out with. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same, I think
iii. richer or poorer? monetarily  poorer (thanks, law school!), but richer because I am getting stronger

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? hung out with old friends

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Watching TV, avoiding other people

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family, watching the Lakers game, eating some good food.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? yeah, the first time I ever fell in love, and boy is it amazing!!!

23. How many one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? i still watch sex and the city religiously, greys anatomy, bravo channel at large, and Erez got me started on Prison Break.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, I just hate certain people more, like former President Bush the idiot. oh and reckelss drivers!!!

26. What was the best book you read? the garden of emmuna. to do list for 2009 read more... i really was bad in 2008.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? rediscovering how much I love classic rock. like appreciating led zepplin more, them and audiofly, my favoirte little duo from espana.

28. What did you want and get? a small school where I am not just a number anymore and people know my name and acutally really help me out!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!

29. What did you want and not get? in desperate neeed of a vacation!!!! hopefully by january will be accomplished

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Lord toooo many to name, I just saw Slumdog Millionaire last night, it changed my view about a lot of things, I encourage EVERYONE to see it!!!! also the duchess was really good, and once i see the Dark Knight I am sure it will be up there too!!!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 24 and my boyfriend took me to santa monica pier and unbeknownst to me we had sushi on the beach at night. He also wrote me a beautiful poem and put it in a jewlery chest he custom made with my pic on it. It was the most beautiful and sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me!!!! I wont forget it. I cried a lot hehehe

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? many things. but I have 2009 to get them done now... no regrets...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? kind of bummy, I went to school in yoga pants and comfy sweats mostly, but I started dressing a bit more punky too when I am not in school.

34. What kept you sane? haha well last year I would have said alcohol, and I would say cigaretts for most of this year, but since I stopped that a few months ago, Yoga and friends and family and having the boyfriend to just sit with you when you are down really helps. But people laugh when I tell them, Yoga acutally makes me really high.... hahaha

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? President elect Obama all gave us hope. We are part of a new world now.
And my love for George Clooney never dies..

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Election year! um helllo.... and the fact that more people voted about farm animals than bonds to save childrens hospitals and dying children really got me ticked off, I mean no offense to the chickens or anyhting but sheesh people... oh and Prop 8 common california WTF?!?!?!!?

37. Who did you miss? old friends, my family in Iran the most.... i really need to go see them!!!

38. Who was the best new person you met? new friends from law school, which took a couple months for me to find! and amber and danny who have taught me much!!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Afte my moms accident, I learned life is literally measured in seconds, and can change that quickly. So be greatfuly for every second good or bad, because until you are put in a truly horrible situation, you dont really realize how fragile a human life is. Sounds super cliche but I really didnt appreciate the human body or the gift of life like I do now. And hopefully none of you my dear friends have to learn this lesson the hard way...

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.   "Don't let me be Misunderstood" by Nina Simone

"But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good,
Oh Lord, please don't le me be misunderstood."

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[04 Nov 2008|12:29pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]

oh one more thing to add to last post:

Remember to tell your republican friends that  the election is tomorrow, today is just a rehearsal!!

::commence in evil laugh, he he ::

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[04 Nov 2008|12:19pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

this is the first election i have been happy/ excited to vote in!!! i havent been this happy/ inspired since clintion....

no matter what people get out there and vote!!!! if no-name town in colorado has 100% voter turnout we really have no excuse..

plus for those of you in california there is lot of stuff other than the presidential nominee to vote for, like gay marriage, abortion rights,
measure r for la transportation (note to students who live in la WE NEED THIS) etc.... 

my cousins in iran would give anything to vote in this election... they are girls my age who cant vote... if that doesnt inspire you... i wont finish that thought...

GO VOTE!!!! 

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[29 Oct 2008|03:52pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i had time to take a break and cook today... i miss cooking... i thought days of being forced to eat cheap food that takes two
seconds to make, days of ramen noodles and sandwiches were over.. i am exaggerating a bit but its amazing how little time
i have to do things these days...

i also makes it really hard that because of my mom's accident, i have to help her a lot over the weekends. thankfully my
professors are nice understanding people..

i miss spending time with my friends/ boyfriend... we live together but believe it or not we dont see each other at all...
its kind of sad but we are trying to devote saturday to spending time together... i guess this is why my friends discouraged
me from having a serious relationship during 1L. it really takes a toll!!!

now that i have a better grasp on things and memos are over for now, i am going to make a better effort to keep touch with friends,
including some of you on here.... what i am really trying to say is sorry. i will try to be a better friend and girlfriend.

hopefully there will be more days like this to cook and spend time with the people i care about, doing the things i love..

5 comments|post comment

[23 Jul 2008|01:54am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

i am watching marie antionette right now ... the last scenes of it ... what a delicious movie!! from the little pink cakes to the gorgeous shoes ... it is just a feast for the senses ...  as summer is slowly starting to come towards its last lap around the track i relish in these movie nights and moments of relaxation .... i guess what i am trying to say is that on some level it still hasent occured to me that my mom is coming back next week from more than two months abroad and it still hasent occured to me that i will be in school for the first time in two years in less than a month eeekkkk !!!!!

i bought an agenda today for the school year ... one of those designed for students... on the front cover is a picture of the lion heads and the stairs of the new york public libnrary ... a place i plan to visist on my next trip to the city which will be more than a tease of a half a day ... but a half a day in ny was filled with more moments of happiness than i can begin to describe.

i logged into amazon today to purchase some books and came across the recomnedations of books i would like page ... i totally forgot about that and how awesome it is, also i had forgotten about my wish list which was very intersting to go back and update .... all in all i spent a good hour on that website today getting lost in an array of books i have read and am yearning to read.... it also made me feel like an ubber slacker for having not kept up on my reading as i would like to.

ok movie is done .. time for bed i guess ...

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[23 Mar 2008|12:49am]
[ mood | relieved ]

today i learned the true meaning of emotional disconnect and it was avery unsettling feeling... you could be  within blocks of someone you care about and be thousands of miles away in thought... it was a valuable lesson....

ive decided as a new years promise to myself yes i am specifically avoiding the use of the word resoultion i am going to try to make 1377 the year of letting go... i am tired of living my life for the happines of others be it family, friends, or what not...

i no longer care what people think, they are going to either respect me for who i am and the decisions i make or they are going to talk shit behind my back and not agree with what i am doing.. and that is fine...

after numerous experiences starting in high school and throughout college i have realized id rather have two friends then a bunch of fake ones who really dont give a shit and who i have nothing to say to anymore... and same goes with family.. i luv being persian and having ooodles of family around all the time but if they are just going to cause problems for me forget them!!!! life is to short to spend it pleasing others and satisfying their wants and desires at the expense of my own....

so it may sound cliche but 1377 is going to be dedicated to me,,, as best i can ..... i think shakespeare said it best in hamlet "to thyine own self be true"

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[03 Oct 2007|10:12am]
[ mood | tired ]

since everyone is posting about the change in seasons.. i thought i would chime in

i am always sad when summer is over... maybe because of the childhood nostaligia associated with school beginning
or the fact taht my birthday is in the summer so all that fun is over.. but this year i am really excited...

there is a crispness in the air that was missing at this time last year.. it always comes about right around the beginning
of october to singnal the shorter days and approaching end to daylight savings time (which is the one thing about
winter i do not enjoy) ... but i am happy.. it got cold last week and i got to pull out some scarves... which are my favorite...
i am super excited for two new pairs of boots i have to wear.... and get so exicted because fall means no more tank tops
and the bringing about of winter garments which i look far better in...

in short i am happy that its time for new fashion hehe... and also having the windows fully open at night to feel the cold
air on my cheeks is a  pretty amazing feeling to fall asleep too..

1 comment|post comment

[19 Sep 2007|07:01am]
[ mood | giddy ]

~worst part of the week.... not sleeping in his bed
~sligh upside... sleeping in my tshirt which smells like him
~best part of all: sharing that the best part of my day is going to bed at night smelling like him
and having him respond... my whole bed smells like you haha i win

after this and an amazing weekend of constant lsats interspersed with cuddle time, casino royale, cooking lunch together
and him making me a suprise bath... i think it is safe to say i am smitten.. absolutely smitten... and loving every moment of it....

in other news i second pareesa's motion... you let him off for murder and now want to put his sorry butt in jail... wtf man...
and i am simultaneously sad and happy that summer is over...

2 comments|post comment

[07 Sep 2007|09:02am]
[ mood | high ]

aside from my addiction to house/techno and a few other things... i am still sticking to the notion that i indeed was a person who was a total rock head hippie who od'd in the early seventies... how you may wonder did i come to this ridiclious conclusion.. by the fact that listening to the doors and pink floyd puts me in an amazingly good mood.. kind of a trance... its wierd.. no matter how many times i listen to it.. its still magic..

in other news ive been cooking a  lot when i am not away on the weekends... i think its refuge from studying.. i made a new remoulade recepie i got off food network today (god bless the channel) and yesterday new asian veggie recipie.. cooking makes me happy .. it is litterally my refuge and creative outlet.. aside from my poetry but at least i can share this one with people.. so if all else fails i will become a chef like my cousin who serves yuupy politicians all day as executive chef at the ritz in dc and makes millions.. heheh

excited to get together with the poopster for mondo crunch time study weekend.. and to do sushi and a movie and cuddle time with mr. mister after.. nice reward for studying nine hours a day no...

ok going to go light a candle, lay on the bed .. put my feet up.. and drift and medidate.. to the pink men..

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[27 Aug 2007|10:06am]
[ mood | content ]

so after another weekend of endless amounts of studying i had a nice break to hang out with my supposed now "boyfriend" its wierd.. i dont know... dont ask me questions.. cause i dont know what to call it besides nice... and fun and i am happy in short...

went to a persian dance performance on saturday where dance was choreographed to poetry from omar khayam thousands of years old.. it was beautiful.. the stage was set with a bunch of vines hanging from the ceiling.. with grapes haning at the bottom of them... to capture the whole spirit of "meyh" that would be what ancient persians refered to as wine... but the wine that brings seducation and intoxication.. not beliegirint drunk but drunkesss of the spirit.. as was exemplified by the dance numbers that involved whilring like dervishes.. it was all so beautiful.... i really wish i could have met them all.. just been in the presence of their greatness.... hmmmmpppffff....

after the show we went to sunset plaza for dinner at clafoutis this french bistro.. i was back in france it was amazing.. the owners were french and my mother and i enjoyed conversing in them.. the food was amazing.. people were allowed to smoke ... and everyone was just enjoying the evening summer air... it was soo beautiful... not to mention the champagne and pear tart helped to make it amazing... i miss dinners like that...

i have come to the conclousion that i may not have children... parents thse days dont give a fuck what there kids do and its annoying... children are behaving so poorly and parents just stand there and do nothing.. there is this new psychological theory that you should never say no to kids cause then you are restricting them.. give them everything they want.. um excuse me and just fuck off please.. i was at my cousins party for her 3 and 1 year old and thses two little boys and girls roughly about 4-5 were in a corner.. lifting each others clothes and touching each other all over... ok i undersatnd kids start discovering they havfe private parts at that age but come on.. and then the little girl kept lifting her dress and shaking her chest saying "look look" and the parents were busy stuffing their faces with pinot grigio and salad.. my goodness...

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[20 Aug 2007|08:27am]
i cant stop thinking about getting a tattoo... but im such an impulse person that i would get sick of it i know i would.. and removing that shit is not cheap... i have the design and everything. ... well a few but one i really like... oh what to do what to do... 

he called me today to get my opinion on a layout of something he is working on for his business... i felt very important.. it was nice...

i felt like such an older person today.. filled with such activities as checking bill payments, cooking, laundry, making important business/ aka work and school phone calls, and calling back people who i have needed to do for sending birthday wishes and whatnots... p.s. thank you to all of you.. it meant a lot... i was very touched... i felt very grown up today....

i have to get up super early for work tomorrow... but i like getting up before the sun rises and walking.. its acutally really nice to live in a town that is safe enough to have the luxury to do that....  and every time i get up i think of the morning sunrise essays we wrote for mr. carney's english class.... wow... the man made you feel soo humbled... kinda like the sun that we were describing too... makes u feel soo small
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[05 Aug 2007|09:34am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

random thoughts since evidently i dont update enough... thanks you know who you are:

~can someone please tell me since when ventura got humid.. its kind of ridiclious...and another note about ventura... i am sick of all the damn traffic becuase of the summer fair... get a life people!!!!!!

~ ok so you know when you are falling hard for someone and you are trying your deepest and hardest not to.. but you just cant help yourself.. well its happening.. and i am trying not to become emotionally attached..just like Golak always does... and trying to take it slow.. but i like falling and i like the feeling... we have had countless conversations and a couple nice dates and i am falling... this is insane... this is soo not me.. im blaming it on the phermones and hot weather
p.s. i am already addicted to his laugh... and he is addicted to the way i make him laugh sickening i know... i promise however to not go off the deep end and fall crazy in love... im just not at that stage... after all there is lsats heheheh its just that beginning enfatuation stage.. give it two weeks... what im a cynic it takes a while to go googoo-gaga hahah

~i am half way through the final harry potter book and am immenslyyyyyyy disspointed....

~i am going to one of my cousins engagement parties this week and thus have refrained from eating rice for almost two weeks now... its crazy... p.s. not looking forward to seeing my dads side of the family there... except for my crazy uncle who has always been the practical buddist... i luv him

~im dying to go to a show in la to see a dj its been like a month and its insane... these people are running my lifffeeeeee

~im addicted to pacifica scents of soap... i bought this one that smells like persian rose... which DO NOT GROW IN AMERICA UNLESS IMPORTED!!!!!!! i want to bottle the scent and make a perfume of it.. its the most amazing smell ... well one of...

~ i had to restrain myself at alberstons today ... i discovered new haagen daaz ice cream flavors i didnt know existed .... who thought to take my favorite holiday coffee drink (pink panther,, aka white rasberry mocha) and turn it into white rasberry mocha truffle ice cream... sounds real interesting

~my cousin is moving to la from canada YESSSSSSSS and we are moving in together in a couple months... so i can keep an eye and show her the ropes of american collgiate life hehehe... sooooooooooooooooo exciteddddddddddddddd

~i need a new sudoku book... its sad

ok off to deal with bills and do some reading...

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[18 Jul 2007|10:32pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

these past few days were really rejuvinating to my spirit... sometimes there are people that are put in your path and you really dont see why but you know they are there ultimately for good...there to help you.. i never figured that orly and i would be two people diverged in two seperate bodies... its really crazy... our tastes in things and our nature and our ways of going about things... we EVEN bought and were wearing the same she is like not even a friend anymore.. its more like blood its crazy... sistahs from different mistas i guess... it was good that we studied together too cause now my faith has been FULLY RESTORED in my ability to kick this tests's ass once and for alll... yuppi!!!!  things are changing.. there is a changing wind... hopefull things will be all settled and done by the end of the month... yuppii.. ok sex and the city is on...

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[10 Jul 2007|08:04pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

~i  thought hormones were supposed to help with pms food cravings... guess not... one minute i want baghali polo (that is the rice with the lima beans that is green) the next clam chowder (which pareesa refers to as one of my "american comfort foods") not to mention hagen daaz rasberry fat free sorbet omggg..... in other news
~my ankle is still swolen though no longer the size of a baseballl, and i wore my $100 shoes... this should not be happeneing
~i am really excited for the start of harry potter mania... and i DONT CARE IF ITS BAD THAT I THINK BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT A 17 year old cause all of you doo.. even those who dont admit it
~i am going to try and go on that dinner date i promised him for a month now... especially since he is mad cause i fucked up this last weekend
which is probably why my ankle is swollen cause he told me he is really good at giving people the cheshm... sorry cant translate....
~i am compleately unmotivated to study for lsats yet again... compleatly its reallllllllllllllly badddddddd and the hormones arent helping
~ive decided that if i dont get into law school i am going to become a professional photographer and travel the world folling djs and what nots
~the lack of somewhere to travel to is sooooooooo anooying.....
~i am suprised at the inconsistency of things including my mental state... scratch that... above all my mental state
end rant.. going to go find something to eat in the fridge not because i am hungry but because in the words of a dear someone i am an upholstered fatty....

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[30 Jun 2007|03:36pm]
[ mood | an empty failure ]

i feel humiliated.. i feel like an utter failure and not any words my mom or friends or even he said  will help right now... so just spare me the bullshit ok people... and dont fucking go off telling me it will get better.. i am aware of that.. i am going to channel my energy as of tomorrow and turn it into positive things... but allow me one day to just be upset ... i am human after all.. although i constantly play the perfect happy cheerie girl facade where everything is wonderful and dandy i have my low points too.. and this is the lowest of the low.... i cried for 2 hours today.. no more like i was whaling.. it was like my lover had died...  and just as tears are about to well up again in my eyes the recede... there is like no water left.. i am in my lioness mode where i need to be left alone with my thoughts and to chastise myself for what a pathetic exucse i am and how i could have worked just a little bit harder for what i wanted... and pleaseeeeeeeeee whatever you people do.. dont call me to get things off my mind with a coffee date and dont tell me you can relate.. cause really u cant.. your all intelligent... and your all smart whereas i work like a dog and still eat shit... its fine.. its just the way the universe works.. ive grown to accept it... thats the wisdom i have garnered 

in trying to console me today michael told me  the following in regards to what i just went through an analaogy of sorts but a very fitting one... you know.. you get 8 weeks to turn yourself into a supermodel... and for some people who already are tall or have a high metabolism.. those 8 weeks really do turn u into a super model... for the rest (and the majority i might add, though none of you my beloved friends) of us... 8 weeks isnt enough to turn us into super models.. so i have to work harder and longer and push myself to extremes... because damn it.. i want to be a super model...  

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[26 Jun 2007|11:49am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

just when the weather starts to get warm and the little shits are almost out of school something in the air starts to change... yeah its the start of summer but more importantly it has always had a slightly more meaningful significance for me... not all summers does the weather effect me like this... last summer nothing,, but this year i felt it... its the eastern wind.. calling me back to visit family and friends... i start smellling the spices in the air and flashes of summer parties with fruits that are pesticide free and tomatoes that acutally taste like tomatoes, my birthday parties with the 300 people in my family and all there friends sitting on the ground under the beautiful trees eating rice with there bear hands, the traditional afternoon naps followed by hooka and tea for adults and ice cream for the kids  all come rushing back leading to sensory overload... not going away this summer , having no travel plans is killing medamn azadeh moaveni and her book that i chose to read at this moment... it just makes me miss it all more ... i woke up today finally feeling ok with it.. then i over hear mom talking to my sister about how she has to throw her orienatation for ucla sooner then planned because we are leaving.... well its not full proof yet.. but even the posbility has made me super happy this morning.... we shall see but in the mean time my hope has been restored.... even if it is ever soo slight... 

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[12 Jun 2007|12:56pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! back to real life now... whooooooooooooo

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[30 May 2007|10:22am]
[ mood | confused ]

thoughts on this morning
~lsat in two weeks wow!!!
~i went and spoke french last night and made new french friends.. i was soo happy.. and i miss france soooooooo much!!!
~alchohol makes me do stupid stupid things...
~alchohol makes my friends do stupid stupid things...
~i am DONE trying to understand men.... they are a force that is meant to confuse the shit out of you.. thank you great gods above for that!!!! NOT!!!!
~I am still PISSED i missed the sopranos marathon!!!!!!!

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